Hills ⛰️ Look Steeper Alone: A Neurodiverse Take on Connection
- hmotro
- Mar 17
- 5 min read
Just Sit Next to Me! 😳
A few months ago, a client told me a story… (details changed for privacy)
I stared at the towering stack of paperwork on my desk.
Sweat beaded on my forehead as my heart raced.
It wasn’t just the workload—it was the silence in the room.
No one to bounce ideas off, no one to share the load.
That day, I felt the hill of my life steepen, my energy drain.
Then my partner popped in, cracked a joke, and sat beside me.
Suddenly, the stack shrank—not in size, but in weight.
I could breathe again.
That’s when I realized: my brain wasn’t built to tackle this solo.
Then we talked about Social Baseline Theory and autism. He said it hit him like a lightning bolt—and it’s been sparking insights ever since.
🌟 Wired for Connection, Not Solo Flights
Humans don’t just crave connection—we’re engineered for it.
Our brains assume we’ve got a crew, a tribe, a partner-in-crime.
Social Baseline Theory (SBT) says it loud and clear: togetherness isn’t a bonus—it’s our baseline.
When we’re linked up, life’s hills flatten, pain dulls, and energy flows.
● Studies show it: holding a loved one’s hand slashes pain perception.
● Even picturing a friend makes a steep climb feel doable.
But here’s the kicker: this isn’t just for neurotypicals.
Us neurodiverse folks—especially those with autism—feel this wiring too.
It’s just that the world’s chaos can make it harder to plug in.
🧠 Social Baseline Theory: The Brain’s Quiet Expectation
🤝 What’s the Big Idea?
SBT, cooked up by James Coan, flips the script: connection isn’t something our brains “turn on.”
It’s the default.
Alone? That’s when the alarm bells ring—everything gets tougher, scarier, heavier.
⚡ Proof in the Pudding
Picture this: you’re eyeing a hill.
Solo, it’s Mount Everest.
With a pal, it’s a gentle slope.
Brain scans back it up—connection literally lightens the load on our neurons.
For us neurodiverse folks, though, it’s not always that simple.
The same crowd that resources a neurotypical brain might zap ours dry.
🌈 Neurodiversity Meets SBT: Same Need, Trickier Path
🎨 Difference, Not Deficit
Autism doesn’t mean we’re less human—we’re just wired with a unique rhythm.
SBT still applies: we thrive with trusted connection.
But crowded rooms or unpredictable chats?
They can fry our circuits instead of fueling us.
🛠️ The Double Bind
We need people—yet people can overwhelm.
Familiarity becomes our superpower: a steady partner or a quiet co-worker can shift everything.
Masking to fit in, though?
That’s not connection—it’s camouflage, and it exhausts us.
● Ever notice how body doubling—someone just being there—unlocks focus?
● Or how a text thread feels safer than a loud party?
Our brains still scream for belonging.
We just dance to a different beat to find it.
🛠️ Interventions: How We Help You Harness Suffering
Our neuro-informed specialists get it: connection isn’t one-size-fits-all.
We don’t peddle vague “just talk more” nonsense.
We dig into your wiring—your unique social baseline—and build from there.
🪄 What We Do Differently
● Decode Your Signals: We spot what fills your tank (a silent ally?) and what drains it (small talk hell?).
● Craft Safe Zones: We guide you to predictable, low-pressure connections that recharge, not overload .
● Ditch the Mask: We help you trade exhausting fakery for real, sustainable bonds.
Imagine a life where your brain’s need for “together” doesn’t clash with your need for calm.
That’s our mission: helping you find your people, your way.
🏋️♀️ Exercise: Map Your Social Baseline
Ready to explore your own connection needs?
Try this 6-step sparkler—it’s quick, punchy, and revealing.
Pinpoint a Tough Moment: Think of a time recently when life felt steep or heavy. What were you facing?
Solo or Supported? Were you alone or with someone? Jot down how that felt in your body.
Spot Your Energy Shift: Recall a moment someone’s presence eased the load. Who was it? What did they do?
Name Your Drain: What social stuff (noise, unpredictability) saps you most? Be specific.
Find Your Sweet Spot: What kind of connection lifts you—quiet company, a text, a hug? List 3 ideas.
Test It Out: Pick one from #5 and try it this week. Notice how your hill changes.
No fluff—just a roadmap to your brain’s secret sauce.
🎯 The Takeaway: Connection’s Your Superpower
SBT wasn’t built with autism in mind, but it still sings our tune.
We’re not broken—we’re different, and we still need each other.
The trick? Finding the right flavor of togetherness that fuels you, not frazzles you.
You’re not alone in this dance.
Let’s choreograph it together.
Warmly,
Harry Motro
Clinical Director
Key Resources for Deepening Understanding
For those eager to explore further, here are three valuable resources, each offering unique insights into SBT:
● Foundational Paper: The paper Social Baseline Theory: The Social Regulation of Risk and Effort introduces SBT, explaining how social relationships are integral to brain function and affect our perception of risk and effort. It’s a comprehensive starting point for understanding the theory’s core concepts.
● Current State Review: The article Social baseline theory: State of the science and new directions updates readers on recent developments, including new empirical findings and theoretical advancements, making it ideal for seeing how SBT has evolved.
● Cognitive Extension: The paper Cognitive Processes Unfold in a Social Context: A Review and Extension of Social Baseline Theory explores how SBT applies to cognitive functions like vision, memory, and attention, offering a deeper understanding of its broad implications, which might be unexpected for those focusing solely on emotion regulation.
These links will take you straight into the heart of SBT—whether you’re after the science, the updates, or just a fresh take. Happy exploring!
Specialties
Neurodiverse Couples Counseling
ADHD & Autism Relationship Coaching
Emotional Regulation
Executive Functioning Support
Complex Parenting Challenges
Multicultural & Intercultural Relationships
LGBTQIA+, Poly & Kink-Affirming
Identity & Self-Exploration
Life Experience
Lived Experience in a Neurodiverse Relationship – Navigated firsthand the challenges of differing communication styles, sensory needs, and emotional processing.
Bridging the Gap Between Neurotypes – Learned how to shift from misinterpretation and frustration to mutual understanding and connection.
From Isolation to Communication – Overcame years of feeling unseen by developing relationship strategies that work for both partners, not just one.
Reframing Love & Connection – Discovered that love isn’t always verbal—it can be expressed through small, meaningful actions.
Understanding Sensory Overload & Emotional Regulation
Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy
University of Vermont – M.A. English Literature (2008)
University of Cincinnati – B.A. English Literature (2002)
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