Imagine this:
He feels trapped, yet he loves her deeply.
Inside, his thoughts spin: “I have to be who she wants me to be. If I don’t, she’ll leave.”
As he learned in his childhood, he pushes his deeper needs aside, bending over backward to make her happy.
But his efforts never seem to land.
She takes the bait, frustrated and disappointed, thinking: “Why can’t he just be strong and confident? Why does everything feel so shaky?”
Deep down, she doesn’t realize she’s replaying the wounds of her childhood. She grew up feeling unprotected and craves security in her partner.
The harder he tries to please, the more she feels let down—and the more critical she becomes.
They both fall for their partner's bait and bite the hook!!
Now they are HOOKED to each other in a painful dance where each partner’s wounds fuel the other’s, keeping them locked in a toxic cycle.
But what if they could see the pattern and start to unhook?
🔍 What is a Hook and a Fit?
Every relationship has a dynamic—a unique combination of ways that they hook and ways they fit.
A Hook is the dysfunction that keeps a couple stuck in a painful cycle.
It’s rooted in emotional wounds, past trauma, and unmet needs.
A Hook feels like the glue holding the relationship together, but it’ Eventually becomes the thing pulling it apart.
In the example above, the Hook was:
Insecurity disguised as pleasing: One partner sacrifices their own needs to gain approval.
Criticism masking fear: The other partner uses judgment to cover up feelings of vulnerability.
Unhealthy cycles of conflict: Arguments repeat without resolution, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood.
On the flip side, a Fit is where the relationship thrives.
A Fit is the connection that feels natural and fulfilling.
It’s where strengths align, and the relationship becomes a space for growth and support.
Moments of Fit might include:
One partner’s calm balancing the other’s energy.
Each person brings unique strengths that make the relationship stronger.
Feeling genuinely seen, supported, and valued.
Therapy helps you unhook from your Hooks and amplify where you Fit, creating a relationship that feels secure and healthy.
💔 The Painful Power of Hook
The hardest part about Hook is how convincing it feels.
It tricks you into believing it’s the connection holding your relationship together.
In reality, it’s a dysfunctional cycle that’s keeping you stuck.
Take our example:
His Hook: “I need her approval to feel worthy. I can’t be myself with her.”
Her Hook: “I need him to be strong so I can feel secure. When he tries to please, I feel abandoned.”
Each partner’s Hook reinforces the other’s pain.
His insecurity feeds her frustration.
Her criticism deepens his fear of rejection.
It’s familiar, and familiarity can keep you together, even when it’s hurting both partners.
But seeing the Hook for what it is creates the first step toward freedom.
🧩 The Beauty of Fit
Fit is where the magic happens.
It’s the part of your relationship that feels like a true partnership.
For neurodiverse couples, Fit might look like:
Respecting each other’s differences as strengths, not deficits.
Learning how to communicate in ways that feel safe and clear.
Showing up for each other in ways that build trust and connection.
When you focus on your Fit, your relationship becomes a place where both partners feel valued and empowered.
🚀 How Our Neuro-Informed Specialists Can Help
At the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, we specialize in helping couples unhook from toxic dynamics and strengthen their Fit.
Here’s how we support you:
Identify Your Hook: We help you recognize the emotional wounds and patterns driving your conflict.
Unhook the Dysfunction: Learn to break free from unhealthy cycles with tailored strategies.
Amplify Your Fit: Build on the strengths that already exist in your relationship.
Improve Communication: Develop tools designed specifically for neurodiverse couples.
Empower Individual Growth: Work on personal healing to show up as your best self in the relationship.
We go beyond surface-level advice to create meaningful, lasting change for your unique relationship.
💡 Exercise: Finding Your Hook and Fit
Use this exercise to gain clarity and begin shifting your dynamic:
Recognize the Hook: What unhealthy pattern keeps you stuck in conflict? Write down how it shows up for you and your partner.
Trace the Origin: Reflect on where your Hook comes from. Is it tied to a past experience or unmet need?
Pause the Cycle: Next time you feel triggered, take a moment to stop and observe the pattern instead of reacting.
Name Your Fit: Identify one strength in your relationship where you and your partner complement each other.
Build the Fit: What can you do to nurture that strength and create more moments of connection?
Collaborate for Change: Discuss with your partner one small step you can each take to unhook the Hook and amplify your Fit.
🔑 From Hook to Fit: Transform Your Relationship
Unhooking from a Hook takes courage and effort, but it’s one of the most freeing things you can do.
When you stop clinging to the dysfunction, you create space for something healthier.
Your Fit is what makes your relationship thrive—a space for growth, connection, and mutual support.
The journey starts with awareness and a willingness to change.
💬 Ready to break free from the cycle? Click here to schedule your session.
Warmly,
Harry Motro
Clinical Director
🔦 Spotlight on Nancy Rushing
Specialties and Certifications
Neurodiverse Couples Specialist
ADHD, Autism, AuDHD, Sensory Sensitivities and Processing
Sex
Anxiety and Depression
Parenting Children (Neurodivergent and Neurotypical)
Social Anxiety
Intimate Partner Abuse
Perfectionism/High-Achievement
Grief
Chronic Illness/Caregiving Support
Life Experience
Experience as a neurodivergent individual
Parent of two highly sensitive children
Born and raised in the South—in Louisiana and Texas—by immigrant Chinese parents, both of whom are neurodivergent.
Experienced various neurodiverse relationships through family, friends, partnerships, teaching, parenting and counseling.
I have been an Early Childhood Educator for over 10 years with direct experience working with children ages 4-17.
Before attending graduate school, I was a stay-at-home parent for 8 years.
I have been teaching yoga since 2011 and enjoy creating classes that bridge the mind-body connection in yoga with psychoeducation.
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