Imagine this:
Your partner spends hours reorganizing the kitchen because everything must be "just so." Meanwhile, you’re left wondering why it matters whether the cups go left or right of the plates.
Or maybe you’re the one rewriting a text message ten times, terrified of making a "mistake." Your partner doesn’t get why it’s such a big deal.
These little moments add up, don’t they?
In a neurodiverse relationship, perfectionism isn’t just about getting things right. It’s about control, connection, and sometimes even survival.
But when perfectionism takes over, it can harm the very bond you’re trying to protect.
Let’s explore why perfectionism feels so personal—and how you can navigate it together.
🔬 The Science Behind Perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t just a personality quirk—it’s deeply rooted in the way neurodiverse brains work. Research shows that perfectionism is more common and intense in autistic individuals due to:
Black-and-White Thinking: Autistic individuals often see things as right or wrong, fueling perfectionism.
Attention to Detail: "Good enough" can feel like failure when focus zooms in on the small stuff.
Masking: The pressure to "fit in" socially can drive a need to appear perfect.
For the autistic partner, perfectionism is often about managing anxiety, creating safety, or avoiding misunderstandings.
For the allistic partner, this might come across as rigidity or overthinking.
These traits, while challenging, also highlight incredible potential for growth. By understanding perfectionism as a protective mechanism rather than a flaw, couples can reframe it as a path to deeper connection.
🔍 Screening Tests for Perfectionism
If you’re curious about how perfectionism operates in your relationship, we have some screening tools that can help:
Clinical Perfectionism Questionnaire (CPQ): Identifies perfectionistic thinking patterns and behaviors that impact well-being.
Frost Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale (FMPS): Dives into areas like concern over mistakes, personal standards, and organization.
These tools are often used in therapy to uncover how perfectionism influences relationships and individual mental health.
🌿 A Couples Exercise: Reframing Perfectionism Together
Want to tackle perfectionism as a team? Try the Perfectionism Exercise below which is tailored to neurodiverse couples.
Remember, BOTH partners can have perfectionist tendencies so be sure to consider yourself and your partner during the exercise.
Spot the Pattern: List two situations where you felt your partner’s perfectionism showed up in your lives. Then list two situations where your perfectionism showed up.
Spot the Pattern Continued: Identify two situations where perfectionism helped you feel safe, understood, or in control. It may be the same as item 1.
Reflect Together: Share why those moments felt important to you.
Reframe the Motivation: Discuss how perfectionism might have been trying to help—whether it’s about safety, connection, or validation.
Consider Sensory Triggers (Autistic Partner): Are certain sounds, sights, or disruptions driving perfectionistic tendencies? Share these with your partner.
Acknowledge Emotional Costs (Allistic Partner): Reflect on how the perfectionism impacts your energy or emotional connection.
Role-Play for Empathy: Take turns explaining why a specific action mattered. Then swap roles to understand each other’s perspective more deeply.
Create a Shared Plan: Decide on one small, actionable shift for each partner to support each other’s needs while reducing tension.
By breaking perfectionism down and working through it step-by-step, you can transform it from a challenge into a way to strengthen your bond.
🙏 Quick Note
Perfectionism isn’t about being perfect—it’s about seeking safety, validation, or connection. When couples understand these roots, they can reframe perfectionism as a strength rather than a weakness.
Ready to take the next step? Click here to schedule a session with us.
Warmly,
Harry Motro
Clinical Director
🔦 Spotlight on Daniel Chung
Specialties and Certifications
Neurodiverse Couples
General Couples Therapy
Depression and Anxiety
Discernment
Anger Management
Christian Couples Counseling
Affair Recovery
Parenting
Grief
Life Experience
Joyfully married for 20 years, with a relationship that's grown stronger through dedication and mutual support, and a proud father to my young adult daughter.
Over 25 years of work in non-profit organizations including urban youth, churches, and schools.
Adjunct graduate school professor teaching courses on the integration of psychology and spirituality.
Earlier career in the hospitality and semiconductor industries.
Education in psychology, theology, and spirituality at the Master & Doctoral levels
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Screening Tests for Perfectionism:
Think You May be Have ADHD?
The Structured Adult ADHD Self-Test (SAAST) may be used to identify adults who may have undiagnosed ADHD
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