Hi Everyone,
Ever feel like you're at war with yourself? 🤯 I do.
It’s that frustrating gap between the values you hold dear and the reality of how those values play out in life.
For many couples—neurodivergent or not—this misalignment often comes down to how our brains are wired.
The challenges aren’t limited to autistic partners. Both autistic and non-autistic individuals can struggle with translating their values into action.
Brain wiring, patterns of thinking, and communication styles all play a role in how intentions get lost along the way.
Instead of seeing the heart behind the effort, others often focus on the missteps—and that disconnect can be painful for everyone involved.
But there’s hope!
By understanding how these challenges show up in different ways for both partners, we can start to move past the outcomes and focus on the values that matter most.
The Inner Struggle: Illustrating the Conflict
Below are two tables that try to capture the inconsistencies we’re speaking about, one for an autistic person and one for an allistic person.
Remember, these are not perfect representations, but they can illuminate some common areas of conflict between values and brain wiring.💖
Autistic Internal Conflict Table
Values | What happens in real life |
Honesty, Authenticity | Everything must be said out loud.
Perceived as rudeness and social missteps. |
Independence, Self-Reliance | I resist help when I need it. A partner’s request is perceived as an ultimatum.
Perceived as demand resistant. |
Fairness, Justice | Fairness is all-or-nothing. " Perceived as moral rigidity and an intolerance for compromise. |
Calm, Harmony, Predictability | Sensory sensitivity can lead to overwhelm and emotional dysregulation which is the opposite of the desired calm.
Perceived as volatile. |
Deep Connection and Shared Understanding | Difficulties in interpreting non-verbal cues.
Perceived as disconnected, not caring. |
Allistic Internal Conflict Table
Values | What happens in real life |
Flexibility, Adaptability | Prioritize social harmony over authenticity.
Perceived as inauthentic, people pleaser. |
Connection, Shared Experiences | Difficulties in understanding neurodivergent communication, resulting in flooding, pursuing, and criticizing.
Perceived as overly emotional, irrational, and cruel. |
Empathy, Compassion | The tendency to apply allistic assumptions about emotional expression (assume an emotion is not felt if it is not said).
Perceived as judgmental, and self-righteous. |
Teamwork, Partnership | The need for external validation may block progress on projects.
Perceived as insecure, needy, and unreliable. |
Clear Communication, Directness | A tendency toward indirect communication and "reading between the lines."
Perceived as impossible to understand. |
The Core Conflict: A Daily Struggle
For autistic people, the table above isn't just a list, it's a daily reality. The pull between their values and their neurobiology creates ongoing internal tension and frustration that then impacts how they are perceived. 💔
Likewise, an allistic person's desire for connection and validation may be at odds with their difficulty understanding different communication styles and neurotypes, and their wiring to use indirect communication. ⚔️
🌟 Navigating the Inconsistencies
At the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center, we start by guiding each partner on a journey of deep self-discovery, helping them unpack their own "table"—those deeply ingrained values juxtaposed with the realities of their brain wiring.
This process involves carefully examining the internal conflicts that arise when their values clash with how they naturally react and process the world.
As partners gain a clearer understanding of their own internal landscape, they can begin to articulate these often-unspoken struggles to each other.
By fostering a space where each person can express their internal conflicts and feel truly heard and understood, the pathway to healing opens up.🛡️
🚀 Internal Conflict Exercise
This week, take some time to consider your own "Internal Conflict Table" and ask these questions:
Where do your values and brain wiring clash? 🤔
Do you fight this clash or accept it with self-compassion? 💖
How do your values shape your expectations of your partner? 💡
When your actions are misunderstood, how do you respond? 😟
Can you spot when your partner’s actions conflict with their values? 🧐
How can you better express your struggles to your partner? 🗣️
If you're struggling to understand these complexities in your relationship, reach out.
We’re here to support you every step of the way towards deeper connection and understanding.
Warmly,
Harry Motro
Clinical Director
🔦 Spotlight on Monica Attia
Specialties
Assessment
ADHD & Autism support
Neurodiverse Couples
Eating & Autism
Teens
Brainspotting / Trauma
Internal Family Systems
LGBTQIA+
Kink/Poly-Affirmed
AuDHD
Emotional Intimacy
Professional Qualifications
Masters of Science, Marriage and Family Therapy - San Diego State University
Post-Baccalaureate Psychological Science Program - University of California, Irvine
Juris Doctor - Georgetown University Law Center
Bachelor of Arts, Political Science - University of California, Los Angeles
Life Experience
First-generation Egyptian-American, transitioned from lawyer to therapist.
Diagnosed with ADHD and autism.
Faced pressures to conform culturally and neurotypically, believing that being "normal" was the key to happiness.
Discovered that celebrating neurodivergence fosters meaningful connections and embraced it fully.
Wouldn’t trade neurodivergence, despite its challenges during childhood and adolescence, because it connects to a community of resilient individuals.
Therapeutic Mission
Dedicated to supporting and celebrating neurodiverse individuals and couples, fostering spaces where everyone feels seen and understood.
Want to Meet with Our Client Care Coordinator?
Let's talk so I can match you with the neurodiverse specialist that's right for you.
Think You May be Have ADHD?
The Structured Adult ADHD Self-Test (SAAST) may be used to identify adults who may have undiagnosed ADHD
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