Neurodiverse Couples Counseling

I love working with neurodiverse couples. Every couple I work with is unique and complex. The therapy process is creative, surprising and never boring. There is no one size fits all. How do you take two people who love each other, but whose minds, bodies, nervous systems and brains interpret the world and express themselves in very different ways, toward mutual understanding and connection? That is what we figure out together.

“What we have here is a failure to communicate” - movie ‘Cool Hand Luke’

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Multifaceted Communication Breakdown

By the time most neurodiverse couples seek counseling, patterns of defensiveness and disconnection have become entrenched. Even if some areas of the relationship are going well, others may be going really poorly. 

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Bids for connection have been unanswered, signs and signals that you are feeling unhappy or distressed have been missed, and attempts to discuss problems have gone sideways and caused despair, unkindness and avoidance. 

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You may find yourselves in a reinforcing negative loop of misunderstanding and hurt that becomes more and more convincing… ‘my partner doesn’t understand me, they don’t care about me, my needs don’t matter to them, they are selfish, they are controlling, they don’t like me, they want things from me I’m not capable of giving, they are going to leave me, this is not a healthy relationship, we are doomed.’

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Communication Reconstruction

The good news is that just like patterns can form, patterns can also change. Even if both of you are still exactly who you are, the way you perceive each other and interact with each other can get much better.

You can develop:

• More accurate narratives about each other.

• Increased understanding of what’s driving the other person’s behavior.

• More clarity about what each of you need.

• More emotional safety and connection. 

• More sensory safety. 

• Calmer and more cooperative conflict resolution. 

• More respect for each other’s priorities. 

• Better physical intimacy. 

• More fun. 

• More love! 

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Depth and Practicality

We can go as deep as you want to go in the therapy. I have extensive training and clinical experience in trauma-focused work that allows each of you to identify and shift any of your own patterns that may be interfering with the health of your relationship. These patterns develop through a lifetime of being misunderstood or not having your needs met or respected. The patterns are held in your thoughts, behaviors, nervous system, mind and body. 

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I am also happy to keep things practical and help you with day to day stuff like division of labor, basic communication, finances/budgeting, parenting and trip planning. 

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Often clients choose to do a combination of deeper work and practical skill building. Your feedback about what’s helpful or not helpful guides the direction we take. 

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Life Stressors and Your Relationship

Relationships do not take place in a bubble. My work with couples can include supporting you as a couple with a range of life stressors: 

• Addiction (substance use and behavioral) 

• Problems with food and eating 

• Dealing with narcissistic or toxic people in your lives

• Deciding whether to have a child or more children 

• Fertility issues 

• Postpartum anxiety and depression 

• Anxiety and depression associated with the menopause transition 

• Chronic illness or medical problems 

• Career transitions 

• Aging parents 

• Death of loved ones 

• Children going through crises or developmental challenges 

• Balancing time between athletics, special interests and relationships 

• Managing difficult interpersonal aspects of your work environment

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Can I see you individually? Can you see my partner individually?

As part of the couples work, I do meet one on one with each person as needed or wanted. Because those sessions are part of the couples counseling framework, not everything you share will be kept confidential from your partner. Individual counseling, on the other hand, offers you full confidentiality. If you or your partner prefer to see me for individual counseling (I am not able to see both of you for individual counseling), I can offer you a referral to another team member for the couples counseling.

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Individual Therapy for Neurodivergent Adults

I love working one on one with clients who identify as ‘neuro-different’. Every client is beautifully unique and complex. I never offer a one size fits all. What you need, what you want, and what actually helps you is what the therapy is all about.

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Why does life feel so hard for me sometimes?  

For neurodivergent people, there can be a wide gap between the things that come easily and magnificently and the things that are incredibly difficult, painful and overwhelming. 

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There can also be a gap between our intentions and motivations and how others perceive those intentions and motivations. 

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These gaps can cause us to experience rage, anxiety, shame, self-blame, an unstable self-concept, intense frustration, confusion, self-doubt, hopelessness, and despair. 

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They can also lead to patterns of alienation, not only from others, but from ourselves. 

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They can lead to burnout, depression and use of substances or behaviors that numb us from our pain.

There also may be chronic pain or illness.

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What can help me? 

We identify patterns in your mind, body, nervous system and brain, many of which may be adaptive responses to being misunderstood or not getting your needs met or respected throughout your lifetime. 

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You are supported to move toward:

More compassionate and accurate narratives about yourself.

Improved capacity to honor the needs of your body.

Practical strategies for nervous system regulation.

Communication and life skills that support you in your life goals and relationship goals. 

Establishing relationships with people who treat you respectfully and setting boundaries with those who do not.

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We go deep and we stay practical. 

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We deal with whatever relationship or life stressors that you bring to the table. 

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(For information about my work with Neurotypical people in relationships with neurodivergent people, please see https://www.believing-cassandra.com)